· Oh my baby Leo.....damn it to hell for leaving us....damn it....damn it....DAMN IT.....don't you know what this is going to do to us? I remember playing with you as if you were my doll....I use to put you in the little yellow tub and tie a rope around it and pull you around in the yard...damn it....son of a (^%$$^.....I hurt so bad...d..... Oh baby Leo, you had such a rough life, I'm so sorry. I want you back. Rest now baby....let their be peace in your heart.....put your mind at ease and just watch over all your loved ones from up above....I'M GOING TO MISS YOU BABY LEO.....Auntie Valentina. :(:(:(:(:(:(
· I love this picture of you hito....I am so sorry I wasn't there for you more. One of the things I can say best about you is that you really did have a gentle heart and a soft spirit. You were a sweet man that only wished well for people a... a...nd YOU SO LOVED YOUR FAMILY....THERE WAS NOTHING YOU WOULDN'T DO FOR YOUR FAMILY. I MISS YOU SO MUCH...even though I didn't see you often, I know that I will never be able to hear your voice, write on your Facebook page to stop cussing or ever touch you again. Oh baby....I'm so sorry life was so hard for you....but now you can just run into God's arms and have him hold you any time you want...ANYTIME. Watch over us from heaven...and when it's time for us to join you, I want you to meet me at the pearly white gates with open arms. I LOVE YOU MY BABY LEO!.....Auntie Valentina...you are in my heart forever.....I WANT YOU BACK. :(
· I am holding your heart close to me, hoping you can feel my love......my dear sister...I am so sorry.
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59 comments:
I miss you baby Leo
Leo....are you awake? Can you see me? Can you feel my love?
I go to bed a night and you are the fist thought that pops into my head when I lay my head down on the pillow and when I close my eyes. You are the last thing a night when I finally drift off to sleep. I wake in the middle of the night and there you are in my head.... I hoping and praying that this is nightmare. And when I wake in the morning, you are my first thought that comes into my mind, and praying and hoping that you are still with us in this crazy world. I go through my day, with my heart aching and wishing you would still be here...that this is not true. Thad God made a mistake and said..."oops..I'm sorry, you still have work to do...now get you butt back down there and get it done. I don't understand how I'm/we are suppose to deal with this. You were are baby....our baby Leo.
OMG...OMG...OMG....I opened up your page so that I could see you and talk to you as I do everynight and I saw that picture of you and I. Thank you to whoever had that. OMG...I miss you. That is, so how I remember us. You were my little baby doll. Having you there with us/me at such a young age, I knew I just wanted to be a mommy....I wish I was old enough that I could of just kept you as my baby doll forever. OMG...my heart is in so much pain. Oh God I love you....I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry you didn't feel my love like you should have. Oh my goodness...THIS IS TOO HARD.
:( :( :( :(
You are in the depts of my soul.
You know....I am so very happy that you are no longer in pain...love is all you ever wanted...and to give love, get love and just feel loved. I'm sorry it took you leaving us to get this much attention from me/us. I'm sorry I was so selfish with my time. Please know that it was not because I didn't love you beyond words could say...I just got too busy with my life that I didn't look outside my four walls. How sad that it....and how sad it's going to be again, because that's what us people do...we cry and feel guilt and say we need to spend more time with the one's we love and not be so angy at the simple things in life when someone we love leaves us...but life kicks in again and here we go, all over again...what's the key?...what's the answer to make us slow down? But WOW my baby Leo....you have all the love you always wanted...you are with God...you are flying HIGH. Ask God to help your mommy, that you so very much loved to get through this pain with strength that is beyond her powers...ask God to help your mom see things in her life that she wants to do in her life that would honor herself and you. And Baby Leo...ask God to help your grandma honey. She is trying so hard to be the foundation that keeps this family in tack....but she is hurting just as much as your mommy. Grandma honey loved you as you were her own. Ask God to bless this family, because we all are very lost and don't know how to deal with it. And while you are up there...introduce youself to your cousin Baby Evan and tell him that we are sorry that we didn't get to enjoy his beautiful heart and soul....and we are lost with out the both of you. And when you have some more time, Ask God why he needed two special Angels so early....what's the amazing plan he has for the two of you.....then let me know..k?
Give a big kiss to Baby Evan and to you too....GO FLY MY NEPHEWS!...GO FLY!
Hi babe....I just wanted to say that I am getting things ready for Kody to go to Cancer Camp....I know how you loved our Chucky Cheese. He is doing good. We had an Oncology test on the 14th and he is doing wonderful. please watch over him while he is there. I've tried to get them to let me go, but they won't let me. So I am counting on you to watch over him. oh and I found some reall neat pictures of you. I think you are part Asian! Your eyes look Asian in alot of those pictures.I love you ...good night
I'm still trying to rap that fact that you ar not here around my brain. I just can't seem to grasp it. I only wish I would of been able to see you in the last year....I am jealous of Grandma Honey, and auntie Leona that they got to see you before you left us. I don't understand life, I don't think I every will. why bad things have to happen. I know you wanted so much to be a better person, and I wish to hell that you could of proven to yourself that you could be...you didn't believe in yourself...why...why not. What was it in your life that you just didn't have faith in who you were? I wish I knew...I whish I knew your heart....really know it. what kept pulling you back? I judged you....you made me angry...I just couldn't understand why you did the things you did even when you knew that wasn't the road you should be traveling....so I pulled away.
I pulled away because I just thought...you should just make it right...do what you're suppose to do, just do...that's what I thought...JUST DO IT. But your Auntie Janet said it perfectly the other day when we were talking on the phone about you. She said, if someone wanted you to speak French, and you don't know French then there is no way you can speak French, because you just don't have the tools to speak French and that is the same with you....You didn't have the tools to make it right. I wish I could of helped you, and just loved on you more, listend to you. I did love on you bunches when you were a baby and lived with us. I thought you were the cutest thing alive...and I couldn't believe I had my own very live doll. It was hard for me to understand your road and I will never understand, but I hope next time, if there is a next time that I have more compassion. I want to learn something from this terrible loss, I want to be a better person. Help me...guide me from heaven. I found the perfect song for you..."When I get where I'm going" By Brad Paisley. SPREAD YOUR WINGS AND FLY...YOU AND BABY EVAN...THERE WILL BE ONLY HAPPY TEARS.....Baby Leo...I'm so happy that you have no more pain, but we want you back...like Antionette said..can we have a do over?...I can't let you go, I wnat to pretend you are still here.
"WHEN I GET WHERE I'M GOING"
BY BRAD PAISLAY
When I get where I'm going
on the far side of the sky.
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly.
I'm gonna land beside a lion,
and run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain
(Chorus:)
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles,
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Don't cry for me down here.
I'm gonna walk with my grandaddy,
and he'll match me step for step,
and I'll tell him how I missed him,
every minute since he left.
Then I'll hug his neck.
(Chorus)
So much pain and so much darkness,
in this world we stumble through.
All these questions, I can't answer,
so much work to do.
But when I get where I'm going,
and I see my Maker's face.
I'll stand forever in the light,
of His amazing grace.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Oh, when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
Hallelujah!
I will love and have no fear.
When I get where I'm going.
Yeah when I get where I'm going.
Missy, I don't have the words to say to you HOW SORRY AND SAD I am for you, for our family. I know today was an extra hard day because you went to go pick up his ashes. I think everyday how you must be feeling, and I can only imagine. And that imagining is to hard for me to even go there. You are having to deal with the WORST PAIN IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD. My heart aches for you, Andy and Leslie/Ross. That is a pain that is too much. :( :( :(
I want to help, I want to be there for you, but I don't know how. Please tell me what I can do?
I have said this to many people, Leo could be a handful, and a pain in the butt sometimes, but HE WAS OURS...HE WAS OURS.
"You'll Never Stand Alone"
By Charce
If there's a time when the tears should fill your eyes
And you can't see past the shadows
To the sun on the other side
Don't despair because there always will be someone there
Don't lose faith
Love won't let you lose your way, because you
You'll never stand alone
I'll be standing by
I'll keep you from the cold
I'll hold you when you cry
I'll be there to be strong when you can't find the strength inside and you
You'll always have a home
In these arms of mine
You'll never stand alone
Love is standing by
If there's a day when the rain should find your heart
And you're cold inside and lonely
And this world has you in the dark
Don't be scared you can just reach for me and I'll be there
Don't lose hope
Love will see you through you know, because you
You'll never stand alone
I'll be standing by
I'll keep you from the cold
I'll hold you when you cry
I'll be there to be strong when you can't find the strength inside and you
You'll always have a home
In these arms of mine
You'll never stand alone
Love is standing by
Standing by to lift you up of all the the hurt and pain
Oh, yeah, no, no, no
Standing by to carry you through
All the tears and rain reach from me
(I'll be with you) oh reach for me yeah
(I'll see you through) see I'll be the one to hold you
The one to show you that you
You'll never stand alone
I'll be standing by
I'll keep you from the cold
I'll hold you when you cry
I'll be there to be strong when you can't find the strength inside and you
You'll always have a home
In these arms of mine
You'll never stand alone
Never, never, never...
Love is standing by
(You'll never stand alone
I'll be standing by
I'll keep you from the cold)
I'll hold you when you cry
I'll be there to be strong when you can't find the strength inside and you
You'll always have a home
In these arms of mine
You'll never stand alone
Never, never, never...
Love is standing by
Love is standing by
Love is standing by
"When someone you love becomes a memory, the memor becomes a treasure"
"While we are mourning the loss of our baby Leo, others are rejoicing to meet him behind the veil"
"HEAVEN GOT ANOTHER ANGEL"
"BY GORDON GARNER"
The roses aren't as pretty
The sun isn't quite as high
The birds don't sing as sweet of a lullaby
The stars are a little bit faded
The clouds are just a little more gray
And it feels like things won't ever be the same
Heaven got another angel the night you left this world behind
Heaven got a little better the day that it took you away from me
I'm missing you tonight
I'll see you again sometime
For now, I'll close my eyes
And dream of heaven tonight
The beaches aren't as lovely
The sky isn't quite as blue
Still, they're sweetened by the memory of you
The rain is a little bit colder
The fire is never quite as warm
Still, it seems that heaven isn't all that far
Heaven got another angel the night you left this world behind
Heaven got a little better the day that it took you away from me
I'm missing you tonight
I'll see you again sometime
For now, I'll close my eyes
And dream of heaven tonight
I'm spending a little more time now with the things that mean a little bit more
I'm noticing the wonders of this world
I love with a little more hope now
I live with a little more peace
"HEAVEN GOT ANOTHER ANGEL"
"BY GORDON GARNER"
Cause I understand how precious life can be
Heaven got another angel the night you left this world behind
Heaven got a little better the day that it took you away from me
I'm missing you tonight
I'll see you again sometime
For now, I'll close my eyes
And dream of heaven tonight
I picked up your grandma honey tonight from the airport. she just got back from being with your mom. I can see the sadness in her eyes and feel the brokenness of her heart and the emptiness of her soul of your loss.
I wanted to spend more time with her so that we could talk about you. I wanted to let my guard down and just feel your presence, but unfortuntely it was way past Lexi Jo's bed time and she did not make it easy for me to just spend time with grandma and talk and cry and talk and cry. I really can't believe you are not with us in this world. I am so sad...I wish you had just one year, where life was just AMAZING for you. I wish I could take some of your pain and give you peace. I wish.... I wish...I wish....I wish so much for you, but now, now it's too late.
Baby Leo...early this morning I had to drive to go get Kody from Cancer Camp. It was an hour and half drive. Lexi Jo was asleep in the back seat so I had time to just think and let my my wonder. Of course it wondered to you. Apart of me knows your gone but again, not seeing you for sometime and hadn't talked to you for two and half months, I can't seem to realize that you are gone. Maybe because I don't want to. But unfortuntely at times I get to that place where I know that you are gone and I won't be able to see, touch, hear or hold you again. That is just beyond my comprehension... I tell people that even though you had a rough life, you were genuinely a sweet boy. I say "that if you were starving and someone gave you a sandwich and a stranger walked by and he was starving, you would give him your sandwich" God saw your pain and he also saw your generosity, so even though you didn't alway live the straight and narrow, your gentleness did not go unnoticed. That is why he had is Angels fly you to the perly white gates. I truly believe, God needed you with him.
Lexi Jo woke up and is crying...I need to tend to her....I love you
Hey, I posted last night (June 6th) where is it...why didn't it post. I am so mad ;(
Baby Leo, let me try and recap what I said last night.
I don't think you realized how much your family really loved you. I think you knew we loved you, but I know you didn't ralize how much we loved you. Maybe we didn't either, but we we do now. I say that because the pain is consuming so much of all of us. We feel, lost and dazed. We know that we have to go on with life, but our emotions and feeling are weird. It's like our feelings of different emotions are inside running all around as if they are drunk....we are not sure how to feel...like what to do with ourselves...we know that we are hurting and in pain and just missing you but, it's like we get get a grip on our life. What I had wrote last night was a better explanation than this.
It's like the song said, I'm not cring for you because your in a better place, but I'm crying for me/for the family. Days have come and gone and the paid doesn't seem to get easier. I see the pain in the families eyes/face and the struggles they are having to get through a day. But you would know about the struggles on getting through a day....That was how your life was...struggling to get through the day. How do I miss you, let me count the ways. As far as the sun and moon are to earth that is how much I miss you, As much sand thier is on the beaches, that is how much i miss you. Boy, don't you wish I would of given you this much of my time, everynight while you were alive? I sure is hell do. I wish that I could just hold you, and love on you. Yes, even though you are going to be 37....hey do they have birthday paries in heaven? I'm sorry you didn't feel like you found a place in life her. I'm sorry that we didn't spendg time together...I'm sorry fo soo many things. But we wil make you proud, here on earht.
I guess I should proof read after I write to you....I get caught up in my thoughts and feeling that my mind goes faster than my hands. But you get what I mean, right baby Leo?....that I love you!
I've been thinking about your brother alot lately, well since your passing. Again, I did't put much thought into him before. Don't get me wrong, I love him just like I loved you....I was just upset that he knew what he was doing was wrong and I exspected him to get it right. Just do what you got to do. But, your leaving us as taught me to not be so judgemental. I don't know your road you had to walk and I don't know the road your brother had/has to walk. I do know that it was hard. But it is true, unless you walk in that person's shoes, you don't know their pain, their sorrow's or struggles. I don't know what the future brings for your little brother, but I do know that just like you...you guys are "OURS......YOUR OURS" And I may not agree or like what you did at times and I know there are things that I don't/won't like what your brother does. But I'm going to love him anyways and I want him to know. My poor Carlos, he is over there, all by himself having to deal with losing his only brother. He has no one to console him, he has to take this lonely road on his own. I know that you loved him like crazy. We talked long and hard about you and your brother in February. I will let him know how much you loved him. He loved you to. I think he didn't want to talk to you because he knew he was letting you down and that was too much for him to bear. I just want to love him, no mater what his future holds. He is "OURS"....you are "OURS". You know, I just realized you were the only one to carry on the Gonzales name.....Ask God for some extra favors, to watch over your family. I know there was nothing you wouldn't do for us, if we needed....NOTHING. Good Night!
I'm going to wish you Happy Birthday Fl. time because that is where you are or would of been. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY LEO...but, it's really not your birthday yet!
Happy Birthday Baby Leo...Happy Happy Birthday...this is probably the start of your best Birthday....Your in Heaven and with God and all the Angels... I can't believe that you were going to be 37 years old. Yes, 37 years ago you came into our life and we even though you didn't ever feel like you belonged, we loved you so. I still remember you as just a little boy. Why is life so much harder for some and not others? How I wish I could of touched your life, but I didn't. I wasn't there for you. I'm so sorry. I was when you were a baby, but you didn't know it then. You were my little baby doll. I wish I knew your heart.
"Fly"
By Celine Dion"
Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven's love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again
Fly, fly precious one
Your endless journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace forevermore
But hold this mem'ry bittersweet
Until we meet
Fly, fly do not fear
Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don't wait for me
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
But I won't forget
Fly, fly little wing
Fly where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light
What a hard...hard day today, well by the clock, yesterday was for all of us. You probably never got so many HAPPY BIRTHDAY'S when you were on this earth, did ya? How sad that is. It's not that we/people didn't/don't love you. we are just people that get caught up in our own selfish selves. Life keeps us so busy that we forget the important things in life. How sad we are. How sad, we can't get back yesterday, or an hour ago or even a second ago, and we know all this, but we do it again and again. How do we stop the wheel from spinning so fast. You tell us, you have all the answers now. I cry everyday for you. I cry that you didn't see more sunflowers in your life....Tell us how to do this?
"I'll See You Again"
"By West Life"
Always you will be part of me
And I will forever feel your strength
When I need it most
You're gone now, gone but not forgotten
I can't say this to your face
But I know you hear
Chorus:
I'll see you again
You never really left
I feel you walk beside me
I know I'll see you again
When I'm lost, when I'm missing you like crazy
I tell myself I'm so blessed
To have had you in my life, my life
Chorus
When I had the time to tell you
Never thought I'd live to see the day
When the words I should have said
Would come to haunt me
In my darkest hour I tell myself
I'll see you again
Chorus (2x)
I will see you again
I'll see you again
I miss you like crazy
You're gone but not forgotten
I'll never forget you
Someday I'll see you again
I feel you walk beside me
Never leave you, yeah
Gone but not forgotten
I feel you by my side
No this is not goodbye (3x)
I sit here at night with you, every single night, when I have put the baby down to sleep and I have quiet time just to spend with you. I think about you when you were just born and when you lived with us for 3 or 4 years. I think about the times when we would play in the so called swimming pool, it was actually a big metal tub for the horses/cows to drink out of, but that was our pool. I would have you run as fast as you could, and then let the water just take us. I would also hold you up on the monkey bars and let you think you were doing it all by yourself. Who would of known the direction our life would take? If only we had a crystal ball...so... many if only's. And why we do the things we do. How scary that one thing or many things can change your life forever. A second, a minute, and hour you could be a the right place or the wrong place at the right time or the right time. That's why we need that crystal ball. But..our life is already planned out for us, before we were even born. God knew exactly when and what was going to happen and when he was going to take you and when he is going to take me or anyone else who is still here. That book is already published. So I ask, well if that is the case, does it matter what I do or don't do? YA, it does, but God has that planned already...So many qustions I have, and so many unanswered questions...very confusing. :(
OH baby...oh baby, oh baby, oh baby. I know it wasn't your choosing to go, but damn it, you made it hard for us to get through a day. You are on are minds constantly.
I sit here tonight, just feeling at a loss for words. I feel numb,so sad and angry. So many people have regrets, but we can't live our lives on regrets. Because if that was the case then everyday we would probably have a regret or two or three. We just tend to notice those regrets when something bad happens...that when we are faced with it, that's when it's shoved in our face and we say "but if only I would of done this or said this" We/us people are what we are and we can't tear our hearts out with what if's. Because it is what it is. jSo Now we REALLY JUST GOT TO LEARN FROM IT. This way at least the regrets aren't so bad/big the next time around. Yes, life must go on, but how do you say that and do that to the living that are still on this earth and feeling the pain of a loved one being gone? I DON'T KNOW.
FLY...FLY HIGH MY BABY...FLY TO WHERE THE ANGELS ARE....AND I DON'T THINK FLIRTING IS ALLOWED IN HEAVEN...OR HECK MAYBE IT IS. IF SO, YOU REALLY HIT THE JACK POT!
Your Grandma Honey, she is so funny. Everytime she hears or see's a motorcycle, she say's "there goes my hito"
Good night baby!
THERE ARE THINGS WE DON’T WANT TO HAPPEN BUT HAVE TO ACCEPT, THINGS WE DON’T WANT TO KNOW BUT HAVE TO LEARN, AND PEOPLE WE CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT BUT HAVE TO LET GO.
Today is your mother's birthday, not that you don't know this, but what a hard day it's been for her. Not that everyday hasn't been hard for her, because It's been more than she can bare. Her birthday, your birthday your one month passing and of course the worst day of her life....the day you left us. Andy, auntie Trish, Grandma....hell everyone is struggling. This is just taking us totally in a world spin. We just can't seem to really get that you are gone. There's that song, but I can't remember who it's by or it's name but it say's something like why is it if you die young you get all this attention?....why couldn't we give you all this attention when you were alive? Why does it take something like this to get what you've been wanting all your life?
Life can be very beautiful, but it's very hard. And when you lose somone you loved it leaves your heart and sould empty. I miss you smile. I miss your pain in the butt ways...yes baby, you were a pain in the butt. But I would take that pain in the butt again. But if told me that you were so happy up in heaven and you really didn't want to come back, I would undestand and not blame you one bit. We are going to make you proud honey....your death will not be lost in vein.
Hi sweetie, I saw your glass work that you did for McCulley Marine Services, Inc. WOW! am I IMPRESSED! I Had no idea you were so talanted. I think you could of sold your work. It would of been alot easier on your body to do your glass work than welding. Should of, would of, could of....so much easier to look at someone else life and think or tell them they should of done this, or that...right?
Good night!...love ya!
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY BABY LEO! I know you weren't the kind of father you wanted to be. But I also know that it does't change the fact that you LOVED YOUR DAUGHTERS. I would bet that everyday in your heart you wished and dreamed about being a better man...but somehow just wasn't able to reach that goal. It's like your in a hole and there is a rope right above you...it is so close and you want to get out of that hole because you know it would save your life, you can see that rope and ALMOST touch it, but you just can't reach it...and you jump and sometimes you can feel it on the tips of your fingers, but you still can't reach it...you want it so bad, but you just can't grab it and there's no way out. No one can hear your cries for help and your stuck wishing you could just grab ahold of that rope and pull yourself out. I beleive that's how your life was. I'm not giving you an excuse, I'm just stating that is how life is/was. It's not always so easy for everyone, and God or who ever has to pick the one's who are going to have to take the shit for everyone...I'm so sad to say, that was you my love....but even throgh all your rough life, you were always smiling!...that's my boy!.... maybe we can learn something from that...not make everything such a mountain, and get over it...right?
:) :) :) :) love ya!
"LIVING WITHOUT YOU"
Now that you're gone
You've done everything
You've been taken away
Oh I guess you've earned your wings
We're all gathered here
In this memory of you
This is one of those things
We're sad but honored to do
You were always there for everybody
You brought your bright rays of light to those cloudy days
You were an inspiration for everybody
Oh how we wish that you could stay
Now that you're gone
Oh you've done everything
You've been taken away
I know you've earned those wings
Now and through all the years
And through the lessons that we've learned
We look upon you as so much more
Than a friend
We miss you so much
We're all at a loss
We're here just thinkin' about you
Oh it's we that pay the cost
The memories are strong
Oh it hurts to live this song
The hardest part about this
Is livin' without you
You were always there for everybody
You brought the bright rays of light to the cloudy days
You were an inspiration for everybody
Oh how we wish that you could stay
Now that you're gone
You've done everything
You've been taken away
God knows you've earned your wings
Hey babe, Well tody was Leslie's and Jared's birthday. We had a little gathering at uncle Mike's and auntie Trish's house. Grandma honey made Jared's favorite, enchilida's. But while I was there, I was thinking how you would of loved to be there with the family. It made me sad that you weren't there but that you couldn't be there even if you wanted to. life has this way of throwing curve balls. There's a hole in our hearts that came when you left us. I know you didn't want to go, you weren't ready, you had so much more you wanted to do, to show us that you could be like that song "the man in the mirror". Damn it...I'm mad at you, and I'm mad at God for taking you. Can you tell him to forgive me for being mad at him. I know I should rejoice because he needed you up there and your heart is joyful all the time, but I wasn't ready for this. Damn it...Damn it...Damn it.
Oh guess what, I wrote to your brother Carlos today, well I started it yesterday and finished it today. But now I realized I still had more to say. That's ok, I plan to continue to write him. Ask God if he can give some extra help to your brother. Ask him if he can assign you to be his very own guardian Angel. Bring him home to us. That's a possible dream that I believe can come true.
Good Night!
Hi honey, Well I have been on hold for 36 minutes to try and figure out how to redeem the Bradshaw boys's Rapid Rewards from Southwest for Andy and Paul to fly out for you Celabration of Life day on July 16th. So I thought I would write you while I am waiting. I am very exicted to see your mom and Andy and meet Paul, but I really wish you had'nt made us do it this way. What a day that will be. We are going to need to by cases of tissue. I'm not sure I'm ready for that day. It's going to make it more real and make me face the fact that you are really gone...oh my gosh, I'm not ready.
Just know you are in my thoughts often.....:)
Believing this is difficult,
still somehow we must try.
The saddest word mankind knows will always be "Goodbye."
Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to his fold, so he picks a rosebud before it can grow old.
Well your mom and auntie Trish are on there way back to Albuquerque. I think I told you that we are having a special day for you on July 13th, to celabrate your life. Yes, I know...I know what your thinking. I have to die for you all to celabrate my life. It does look that way doesn't it. I'm sorry...You need to know that no matter how much a pain in the butt you could be sometimes, we loved you as much as there is water in the ocean, loving you didn't change, or stop or slow down, we were just frustrated with you because we wanted MORE for you. And to be honest, it comes back to that thing called life. We all get so busy in our life that we can't keep up with our day to day things as it is. Is everyone this busy and crazy or do some people really just live a simplier life? Do people actually just come home from work and just sit around and do nothing? I don't know, we don't know how to balance our life....when do we figure it out so that we don't continue to let life pass us by and then we are back in the same boat that we are in today...REGRETS...REGRETS...REGRETS I wish I believed in speaking to the dead, because I would talk to you...well I do talk to you but you know what I mean? Like they say talking to the dead. I would ask you to give us the answer to how to love and cherish the one's we love.
Go Fly Baby...I'm going to call it an early night. oh and PS... Please watch over your mom and auntie Trish driving back to Albuquerque. I guess I really didn't need to say that did I? Your already there.
Healing and Death
We must find ways to grieve. For without grief there can be no comfort. Often we must force ourselves to reach into our subconscious to uncover our true feelings. Only when we have allowed ourselves to feel all of our pain can we begin to face our loss and slowly begin to heal.
What a bitter sweet day it was today. I was so happy to see your mom, but seeing her under these circumstances makes it very bitter and sad.
Seeing her without you just doesn't seem right. I cried before I got there, because I knew it was going to make it more real to me...that you are not here.
My heart is feeled with sorrow.
Hi baby, I wish I was dedicating this song to you on 5/12/11 instead of saying good bye to you.
"Today Is Your Day"
"By Shania Twain"
You got what it takes you can win?
You got what it takes you can win,
Today is your day to begin.
Don’t give up here, don’t you quit.
The moment is now, this is it
Know that you can then you will
Get to the top of the hill
Part of the fun is the climb
You just gotta make up your mind
That today is your day
And nothing can stand in your way
Today is your day
Everything’s goin’ your way
Today (you can do it)
Today (c’mon c’mon)
Today (c’mon do it)
Today
When somebody throws sticks and stones
All they can break are your bones
And life’s gonna kick you around
Then kick you again when you’re down
But today is your day
And nothing can stand in your way
Today is your day
Everything’s goin’ your way
Today (c’mon do it now)
Today
Today
Today
mmmm life’s gonna kick you, its gonna kick you around, its gonna kick you down
Brush yourself off no regrets
This is as good as it gets
Don’t expect more or less
Just go out and give it your best (give it your best)
Today is your day
And nothing can stand in your way
We as people tend to get so upset about things that are just part of life or things that we bring upon ourselves. Ya shit happens and it suck, but did we die, or loose a loved one....probably not. We probably just got behind a slow car or dropped and broke something, or locked our keys in our car or our car broke down...shit all that stuff really sucks, but is our family safe? Do it cost money that we don't have, yup, but is our family safe? ya, so how do we learn not to sweat the small stuff....We should be just sweating the fact that we lost you....all the other things are NOTHING...NOT A DAMN THING. Knock me on the head when I forget that ok baby Leo?....love ya!
"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength" ~ Corrie ten Boom
"It is the way we react to circumstances that determines our feelings" ~ Dale Carnegie
"The greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions, and not on our circumstances" ~ Martha Washington
"A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes" ~ Hugh Downs
"What happens is not as important as how you react to what happens." ~ Thaddeus Golas
"Do you remember the things you were worrying about a year ago? How did they work out? Didn't you waste a lot of fruitless energy on account of most of them? Didn't most of them turn out all right after all? " ~ Dale Carnegie
Darkest Hour(s), we all have our darkest hour. Some more than others. Unfortuntely, I think you were one of them who had more than others. The feeling of despair,lost and can't seem to find your way. Today was a real hard day for me...I thought about you and thought about your heart. How you may of felt most of the time? Maybe I'm wrong. I hope to God I am. I hope that even though I didn't see it, or know but that you found happiness more times than not. I wish you were that little boy that I could just hold you. I miss you.
What a day....I had some time to spend with your mom today and it is nice being with her. I JUST HATE THAT IT HAS TO BE UNDER THESE CIRCUMSTANCES. We talked about you of course. I'm sad that you didn't get to meet my daughter. You were always so thoughtful to ask how Kody was always doing. You loved your cousins dearly, you could tell. I got to see Monica and your daughter. Monica is doing a fine job with girls You would be proud of the them. Your mom and grandma honey are going to go see Carlos tomorrow. Guide them as they drive. Keep your angel wings on them. XOXOXOXO
Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.
Guess what....I got a letter from Carlos today. He said he wishes he had had more time with you and that he loves you. I was excited to hear back from him. Your mom and grandma got back from seeing him tonight. I haven't really gotten all the details on how it went, but I believe it went well. You know, it's scary, just one thing can change your life forever. Good or bad...you just never know do you? One thing, one moment can possible dictate the course of your life. I don't know the last few days I have been a little over whelmed with a few things that are going on in my life, but I'm trying not to sweat the small stuff or even the kind of big stuff. I try to ask myself, what lesson is God trying to teach me with rough situations?
I don't always find the answer, but sometimes I do. Sometimes it takes me months to find it...but if I'm open to it, I sometimes get my answer. Thank you for keeping you wings on your mom and Grandma honey. Now I need another favor, the boys are going with Mike to the lake tomorrow for the weeked, Please oh Please keep your Angel Wings on them. Is it great to have super powers! Love ya
A second, a minute, an hour...a moment....all in God's timeing. so many of us and just one of him, well maybe three...The Fater, The Son and the Holy Spirit. But wow, how do they find the time to figure out everybodies life before your even born, how do the choose who get's it good and who get's it bad? Our life is aleady predetermined. It's crazy confussing. You would think that God would be just so broken hearted with all the awful, sad stuff going on down here that he would be a nervous wreck...maybe he's on tones of anti anxiety pills...ok just kidding God...but no really how do you deal with all the pain and suffering down here?
Sad...it's a sad day for me today
:( :( :( :( :( :(
Life is a coin,
you can spend it anyway you wish,
but you can only spend it once.
Wow..so true. We, ourselves can direct where our life is to go. It sounds kind of easy, but it's sometimes really not. Some people are born with the tools and other's are given the tools and some can't find the tools and some don't know how to work the tools once they do have them.
How do we help those who don't have the tools? What is my role in life? What am I suppose to learn from your passing. I believe every tragic situation there is a meaning a lesson behind it. We can speculate and do nothing, or we can really listen to our hearts and Jesus and really pay it forward.
I know that we take people for granted and don't appreciate the value of time and family when they are on this earth, and then all of a sudden there is regret....but after the regret leaves it goes back to the same old thing....let that not be the case here.
What is my pay it forward Baby Leo?
Oh...look what time it is...it's July 4th. I got a late start writing you....Happy 4th baby as you look down from above and see all the fireworks we do to give us some enjoyment for the moment...but you...YOU GET IT ALL DAY, ALL THE TIME... XOXOXOX
I miss you like crazy!
I know you've had these moments, probably more often then you would of hoped for...but where you want something so bad you can see in, smell it, taste it and even touch it with the tip of your fingers but you just can't grab it....you try and you try and you try...you scream for help but everyone around you thinks to themselves or say's, it's right there just grab it. But the thing is they don't get that you really can't grab it all on your own, no matter how hard you try and sometimes all you are needing is just a little lift and sometimes you are needing a big lift...but you know that if you had that lift you would be able to grab it....you get what I'm saying right? Of couse you do, your in HEAVEN....you get everything even I'm not saying anything at all.
Can you give me that lift....?
Seeing things in a whole new light...that's my question. Are we really seeing things in a whole new light? If so, is it going to last...is it seeing in a good light? Do we really go forward as better people...will we change, will we make it right?
If we had one more day with you, if heaven could wait one more night, what exactly would we say or do with you?
Good night!
Hi babe...just want to say thanks, thanks a bunch for that lift. I really needed it.
You know, I have to say....I have more peace in my heart about your passing. My heart is broken that you are gone and that I didn't give you my time like I shuld have, but the PEACE I have that you are happy....really happy, consistantly for the first time in your life...do you say life now? Because your not alive, your and ANGEL. But I still miss you like crazy.
Need another favor, I think you should get use to me asking you for lots of favors because I am going to. Uncle Mike, Wes and Kody are taking off tomorrow to go to foot camp in LA...need you to put your wings on them? Thanks baby Leo! And again, thanks for the lift!
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart,and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Hi baby Leo! He has been a busy day. Rough day for your auntie Trish and it started off rough for your mom, but it was a continuation from last night. I think she was able to get a little distracted by going garage saling with grandma Honey, auntie Peggy, Lexi Jo and myself. I don't think she really found a whole lot for herself, but still helped take her mind off her broken heart. We found a couple of things we thought you would like and that was really hard. Hmmmmm...to you walk around naked as a jay bird or do you wear white robes with no big boy shorts?....never thought about that before, but that one has be baffeled. It's been a long day. The baby was really tired, but she's a trooper. I have to get her started young on garage sales so I have a partner since Kody hates..hates..hates them and my husband is not to fond of them because we have no place to store things, and I don't think he realy likes them anyway. I'm pretty whooped myself, so it's time for me to get to bed. Just wanted to spend a little time with you!
Uncle Mike, Wes and Kody come home tomorrow, please put your Angel Wings on them....love ya!
Uncle Mike and the boys got home safely. Thank you for putting your angel wings around them. I received paperwork from Carlos yesterday. I am hoping once Barry gets here and gets settled, I can go see him. It's really wierd having your mom her and you not being here with her. I find myself thinking when I at the Bradshaw's house that you are going to be walking through that door.
I know we never lose the people we love. they live the rest of our lives with us in our hearts.....Ya, but it sure would be nice to see you, hear you, touch you.
Good night Baby Leo...Fly high, way above the sky....big kiss for you!
They say "Life is A Journey,
Not a Destination".
This is a quote I want to remember the next time I sigh and say "I wish............." or on those occassions when I subconciously think "I will be happy when..........."
There's really no better time to be happy then NOW. So I choose to be happy NOW. Being happy NOW means learning to be happy and thankful for the little things in life. Being happy NOW means learning to be happy about everyday things that seem too trivial to matter.
.... alot easier said than done right?.....life is so Challenging. But then again, you would know. Everytime I open the blog and see you, it just reforces that you are gone...wow....so weird....still do not believe it...not looking forward to Saturday. I think that is when it's really going to hit me..
Hi baby Leo, 2 months since you have left us. It seems so much longer. I think because of all the sadness and stress that it has been on the family that we are tired, overwhelmed and stressed that it seems longer that it has been. Grandma was right when she said that it has aged us.
There is so much more going on here that I can't even explain, it really kind of makes me sad....but you know, you see it. life is so crazy.....but yes, you know.
Miss ya!
THE ESSENCE OF DESTINY
“Watch your thoughts,
for they become words.
Choose your words
for they become actions.
Understand your actions,
for they become habits
Study your habits,
for they will become
your character
Develop your character,
for it becomes your destiny"
Today is Thursday, just two more day away from your Memorial Service/Celabration of Life. I will be honest with you....I'm not looking forward to it. It's just that much closer to having to realize you are gone, your gone, your gone for good. Becasue when we all come together like this, you would be here with us and your not going to be because it's all for you. Damn it....why did you have to leave us so soon.....I don't want to do this....you have a day and a half to come back so that we don't have to say good bye....ok?.....please don't make us say good bye. Pinch me....tell me it's time to wake up from my bad dream.
TOMMORROW IS YOUR BIG DAY! WOW!
If only....If only....If only....
It makes me so sad to think that we are having this day in honor of you now that you have past on and we didn't have this celabration for you while you were gracing us with your presence.....I so don't want to do this. My heart is breaking...my soul is crying.
We just got home around an hour ago from your final "official" goodbye. What a day it was. I actually didn't feel like I was really there. I was alot overwhelmed....too much going on, and with the baby, she keeps me hopping.....so I didn't feel like I really got to spend as much time with you as I had wanted. But I do have to say, it turned out really nice. You had a good turn out and I met some of your friends. I met Elvia. As I told her, it makes me happy to know that you had someone to share your dreams, but so sad that you were unable to fullfil that dream. My heart aches for her. I can't imagine her pain in loosing somene she was planning on sharing a life with. You always wanted to settle down and fall in love, I'm so sorry that was cut short. Your firend Jason was there too...he really thought highly of you. You really didn't realize that you were a gift from God. I think if you had realize that, you would of thought differently of yourself and your life would of gone in a different direction.
My plan was to start to let go and not write everynight and learn to deal with you leaving us. So please forgive me for not putting something on the blog as often. I promise you are in my heart and soul....you will forever be there. My heart aches for you more than you will ever know. :(
Fly my sweet love....Fly...Fly High.
I love you...auntie Valentina
:( :( :(
MIssing you so!
Really having a hard time today....missing you. I was outside in the back yard with the baby in the stroller while Barry was working and the sun was starting to go down and was behind the clouds. It was beautiful....and the first thing tht I thought about and felt in my heart is that you were right there, looking down on me/us and telling me you were right were you were suppose to be......I was so happy that you were there, with our Jesus...but I missed you so much and realized you are really gone. DAMN IT....DAMN IT....DAMN IT. My heart is HURTING because I miss you so much. Even though I didn't spend time with you like I should have and wished I had....I miss you because I know I can't make it right.
Hi Sweetie...How's the clouds? How is it looking down on us. Things alwasy seems so different when you are in the outside looking in...right? I bet you are looking at us and saying why are they do that, and why are they sweating the small stuff. I bet you just want to reach down from Heaven and say...do it this way or stop being so mad or hard on your loved ones..I bet you want to just ring our necks....do it...go ahead....help us get it right, or at least better.
Good night Baby Leo!....love ya!
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